If Fifty Shades of Grey had been set in the 1950s or '60s, then these pop, country, and R&B classics would have fit right in with the film's themes of bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism, and innocence and experience.
Fifty Shades, if you haven't read the book or seen the movie, is a timeless love story about the billionaire business magnate and helicopter pilot Christian Grey and the naive college student Anastasia. In the story, Christian detects something that he'd sorely like to dominate in the mousy Anastasia and sets about indoctrinating her into his world of BDSM hanky-panky. Yes, it's all pretty ridiculous, but so was Lucy, and I enjoyed that movie.
The soundtrack album for Fifty Shades (not to mention the film itself) is a massive hit, but I believe that anything can be improved. In that spirit, I offer you the prospective soundtrack to my remake of Fifty Shades that is set in the 1950s. I'm calling it Fifties Shades of Grey. Some of the songs are from the '60s, but that's a mere technicality that viewers will enjoy pointing out as "goofs" on Internet Movie Database when my new version hits the silver screen.
Brian Hyland – "Let Me Belong to You" (1961)
"Make me your slave," Hyland sings. "Tie me down, make me behave."
Pat Boone – "Anastasia" (1956)
Pat sang this ode to Anastasia, the main character of Fifty Shades of Grey, seven years before the book's author was born.
Marcie Blane – "Who's Going to Take My Daddy's Place" (1963)
"I need someone to scold me whenever I am bad," sings Marcie Blane, sounding an awful lot like the similarly fatherless Anastasia.
The Crystals – "He Hit Me (And It Felt Like a Kiss)" (1962)
"He hit me, and I knew I loved him/he loved me." Gerry Goffin and Carole King wrote this dreary song about the experiences of Little Eva ("The Loco-Motion"), who was their babysitter at the time. Phil Spector produced it.
Dodie Stevens – "No" (1960)
"Don't you know that a girl means 'yes' when she says 'no'?" Anastasia's mixed signals and ambivalent feelings are a constant element of the Fifty Shades story.
Evelyn Knight – "With a 'No' That Sounds Like 'Yes'" (1951)
Ladies "wanna say 'go' but they gotta say 'no' with a 'no' that sounds like 'yes'," Knight sings. This song, like Anastasia's character, exemplifies weak protests and conflicted desires.
Joanie Sommers – "Johnny Get Angry" (1962)
"Let me know that you're the boss," Sommers sings to her guy, whom she's trying to provoke into becoming a "caveman." This is a notoriously un-PC song, but Frank Zappa recognized its excellence—he borrowed the main riff for the Mothers of Invention's "Any Way the Wind Blows."
April Stevens – "Teach Me Tiger" (1959)
"Take my lips, they belong to you. But first, teach me what to do." April Stevens' "Teach Me Tiger" (written by her brother, Nino Tempo) captures the cat-and-mouse character of the sexual initiation in Fifty Shades, as the dominating Christian Grey inculcates the innocent Anastasia into his world of exquisite perversions.
Kris Jensen – "Torture" (1962)
"This torture I'm going through is worth the pain if I have you," Jensen sings. Songwriter John D. Loudermilk intended for the Everly Brothers to record this song, and it sounds like it. The Everlys missed the chance to have a major hit with it but eventually got around to recording it themselves.
Nat "King" Cole – "Don't Hurt the Girl" (1955)
"Why don't you pick on someone your size? Can't you see, she's not your kind?" In my '50s version of Fifty Shades of Grey, this would be the theme song of Anastasia's upstanding male friend, José.
Hank Penny – "Catch 'Em Young, Treat 'Em Rough, Tell 'Em Nothing" (1951)
"Catch 'em young, treat 'em rough, never tell 'em nothing, 'cause that's what gets results," Hank Penny sings, echoing Christian Grey's personal philosophy on love.
Ann Cole – "Darling, Don't Hurt Me" (1955)
"When you need me, I'll be there, but do me a favor: darling, don't hurt me. I'm on my knees, begging you, please," Ann Cole sings, voicing the pleas of the submissive.
The Cookies – "Chains" (1962)
"My baby's got me locked up in chains," the Cookies sing. In one of Anastasia's first encounters with Christian, he's buying cable ties, not chains, but same difference. The Cookies were the background singers for Little Eva, who was previously mentioned in the part about the Crystals' "He Hit Me."
Sandy Posey – "Born a Woman" (1966)
"A woman's place in this old world is under some man's thumb. And if you're born a woman, you're born to be hurt."
Sandy Posey – "What a Woman in Love Won't Do" (1967)
Another Sandy Posey song. "What makes me keep on putting up with this?" Posey sings. "What keeps me kneeling underneath my master's kiss?"